Monday, December 6, 2010

Dear Little Miss

My sweet girl,

I cannot begin to put into words all the thoughts on my heart this morning. Your dad and I are beyond excited to finally meet you. I wonder who you'll look like and if you'll be a sleepyhead like both of us. I can't believe that in less than 36 hrs (hopefully) we'll have all the answers to those questions. Will you have any hair, will your eyes sparkle blue, how much will you weigh...etc.

We've cried so many tears, praying that one day we'd be blessed with a baby. Praying each night together that we'd get to be parents. And now, sweet girl, you'll soon be ours, and every tear will be worth a million more.

Please come soon....we're ready.


Well, in case you haven't heard...tomorrow is the day. I'll be arriving at the hospital at 6:30 am to be induced on Tuesday! We're excited, nervous, and scared all at once!

We had an appt on Friday and I was dilated 1-2 cm & 100% effaced at that time. I was really hoping something would happen this weekend on its own, but alas, here I sit at work still. I haven't slept for 2 nights, mostly nerves I think. So I'm heading home at 1/2 day to rest for a little bit because I'm sure I won't sleep tonight and I'll need my energy tomorrow.

I can't wrap my mind around the fact that in 36 hrs (give or take) we'll be holding our sweet girl in our arms. What an answered prayer! I'll try to post a new blog when possible, but you'll likely catch a better update on Facebook!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Belly Pics finally

Here are a few updated photos. Ignore the towel on the head and no makeup...I can see a slight difference finally this week and notice that the belly is more rounded and the orange sweater makes me look like a giant pumpkin, but it's soft and comfy!

2 weeks to go!

38 weeks

Collage of the past few months

Monday, November 22, 2010

update coming soon

I promise to update soon with pictures. I'm hoping that we finish up the nursery decorations tonight and putting stuff away so I might actually be able to post those pictures along with an updated belly shot. Pretty much if you've been to SeaWorld....well, that's a good vision on what I feel like right now. I've had dozens of people comment on how tiny I am for 37 weeks, so I guess I should feel blessed to not have one of those watermelon bellies and feet that look sausages! Overall, though, really, things are going fabulously and we're just buying time until Little Miss decides to be an arrival. Friends of Trenton's just had their little girl a week late today and another friend is having her little boy a month early today, so I'm not going to try to out guess her at all....She'll be here whenever she (or the doctor) decides!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

This is normal, right?

I think I'm starting to freak out a little bit about the whole almost there thing. Do you see that countdown on the right? It says 46 days. Give or take a few. That is impossible.

I lay awake at night thinking things like, what if the name we have picked out doesn't sound right? Should we change it? What if I can't breastfeed, do I have a formula on hand for back up? If so, what one? Will she be warm enough in the pram that I have for a winter coat? What if we get snowed/stuck in the house and I need something for her? What if we're simply just not good at being parents? What if that maternal instinct, doesn't kick in for me? People keep asking me what kind of diapers and wipes I want...I don't know, I don't have a baby to try them on yet. I know this kind works for you, but what if it gives my girl a rash. So I just say, you pick and we'll hope for the best. I'm trying to be laid back about figuring things out as we go, but the more questions people ask me about things I don't know yet, the more I'm starting to feel like the kid that needs the cheat sheet to pass the test. I'm open for all kinds advice.

Then I think about other stupid stuff, like "Trenton, yes, I know it's 3:15 in the morning, but do you think James would come look at the light in the basement and why it won't work?" OR " I really want to get that spare bed set up in the basement tomorrow". Granted, most nights, I've refrained from waking him up and just lay there with my mental list until morning. I feel like I'm becoming the grouchy pregnant lady because I'm not sleeping and other people's demands just put more pressure on the never-ending list of things I feel like I need to get done first. I'm feeling the pressure of the whole holiday schedule and be here at this time and there at that time and so and so wants to have Thanksgiving on this day. I know part of that is the unknown of when she will come, so I don't feel like we have any 100% definite plan of how our time will be spent from Thanksgiving to Christmas. If she's 2 weeks early, hello Thanksgiving. If she's 2 weeks late, Merry Christmas! I just feel like saying, "yeah, about that, we'll be there if we can, but if not, Happy Holidays!"

Tell me this is all normal. Tell me that it's a temporary thing because the time is getting so close. I just can't help but feel that we've waited so long for this, but at the same time, I know our WHOLE lives are going to change. What if we aren't as ready for that change as we thought. My husband appears to be Mr. Calm and Cool. He just keeps telling me, we're adaptable, we're flexible, we can handle it. I know he's right, but someone needs to send my brain that memo at 3:00 am when it's making yet another to do list.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

32 weeks

I'm a little late on the pictures this week as Saturday was technically 32 and I'm closer to 33 now. But the picture was taken on Monday, so I guess close counts right? Our appt went well last week and we'll go again next Friday. I will be doing non-stress tests to monitor her just because Dr. T wants to make sure she's doing ok. Blood pressure continues to be excellent and I actually lost a couple pounds after the previous pile on! Overall, we're getting very VERY excited!

The lovely and thoughtful BUNCO babes surprised me with a shower at our October Bunco and it was fantastic (especially since it was already at my house, which meant I didn't have to pack things home!!) I promise to get pictures from Jenn of our gifts! We were very humbled by the graciousness of our friends and already feel the overwhelming love for our Little Miss.

This is not the most flattering of pictures. Please excuse no makeup and the fact that I hadn't really combed my hair yet. I bought that sweater over the weekend and was totally digging it....then I put it on Monday morning, wore it for about 5 minutes and changed not too long after taking the picture. My belly is still mostly just 2 fat rolls sticking farther and farther out, but whatever, it is what it is and fat rolls or not, there's a healthy little girl inside!

And as a comparison

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

30 wks

Well, we had our last monthly appt on Friday, October 1st. Everything seems to be going just swimmingly. My blood pressure continues to be good, running on the low side. The only problem with that has been episodes of lightheadedness, but nothing major. I am having SEVERE leg cramps and restless legs. Dr. Tobler suggested that I start taking a magnesium supplement to see if we could relieve some of the pain. Not only do they hurt super bad, but they are also causing me to loose quite a bit of sleep.

We will start our bi-weekly appts on the 15th. It doesn't seem possible that will be our 32 wk appt. We will have another ultrasound that day because he wants to check my fluid level and her measurements as I was measuring between 31 1/2- 32 wks at the 30 wks checkup. Nothing major, I'm sure, but it definitely explains why I feel huge, my pants don't fit, and I've gained more weight in a month than I had altogether! I'm excited to see her again and am hoping this will relieve some of the burning desire to get her here!

I'm starting to get to the uncomfortable stage. Mostly at night. Sleep seems to allude me most nights, but I'm able to catch a few naps during the week to keep up. We have the nursery ready other than hanging stuff on the walls and curtains. I can't find dark wooden curtain rods anywhere! I had curtains bought, but they were the wrong size! One wall will have her name on it, so it will be blank until she gets here. I'm starting to get very anxious about bringing a new baby home in the midst of the holiday chaos. It's hard to plan the holidays not knowing when exactly she will make her debut!

Here's a few pictures of my expanding belly. I'll save you the nightmare of a bare belly and keep it covered for public viewing!

This was 9/15 at approximately 27 1/2 weeks.

and this is today at approximately 30 1/2 wks.

Side by side comparison. Not much change so far, just a lot of fluff!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

can't stand the cuteness

I wasn't going to get caught up in the ridiculousness of buying cutesy novelty stuff for a girl that's gonna grow like a weed....but I'm afraid my daughter is going to need a pair of these...or two...

Friday, September 3, 2010

Double Digits

99.....that's how many days until my due date! I never thought it would get here. It's odd. At first we were counting how many days we'd been pregnant. 5w4d, 8w2d...14w2d was 100 days of being pregnant. Now here we are at 99 days left until we get to meet her and we've started counting down. What a strange turn of events. 26 weeks tomorrow. I feel like my belly actually looks pregnant instead of just fat, so maybe I'll start some belly pics even though most of you see me frequently....

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Catch up

I had great intentions of blog journaling throughout this pregnancy and documenting all the milestones...and that hasn't happened. I'm gonna do a little catch up and pray that now that school is back in full swing, I can update a little more these next three months!

This is our sweet baby girl! We went on July 19th for an u/s and were told that they "thought" it was a girl. We were both over the moon, but were hoping for a 100% shot so we could start planning. We were a little disappointed with the tech and by the fact that we didn't get a 3-d u/s. But, we went for our monthly doctor appt on my birthday, July 27th. Everything was going great, however, the u/s showed that my amniotic fluid was low, which was the reason they couldn't do the 3-d. He wanted to check my fluid level again and ordered another u/s.

So we went back on August 4th at 21weeks 4days and were able to see clearly that she is definitely a girl! She was moving to much to get any real clear pictures, but the tech was able to capture the one above of her face. She has her mouth wide open and was getting ready to put her hand in there. I was amazed and fascinated that she looks like a real little person. I cried and laughed and giggled at her silly movements. She would grab at her feet, then put her hands over her face, put her fingers up her nose, etc. Quite the personality already I would say!

Things have been progressing well and the time is ticking quickly. I'm beyond excited for her to get here and be able to hold her, but at the same time there is so much to do! And I'm starting to freak out about actually being competent enough to care for her.

We had our August monthly appt yesterday. All external measurements are right on. And even though I can't fit into a single pair of pants, I've only gained a little over 9 lbs. Her heart was just a beating away. I passed my 3 hr. glucose tolerance test with flying colors and my blood pressure is actually staying on the rather low side at 93/60. I haven't had any major swelling issues other than my fingers overnight, but they usually go down by mid-morning.

We're working on the nursery and I am hoping to have it all ready to go by the October Bunco date to show off! We decided on the bed set we already had from Vicki that is Osh Kosh Patchwork Stars. It's cute, country, and rustic. I think it will be fabulous. I have a picture in my head, but never execute the look the way I envision! We're supposed to move the rest of the furniture in the nursery tonight and will hopefully be getting the crib soon. My sisters have set a date for my shower for October 30th, and I have to admit, I'm crazy excited!

We have a name picked out, but are opting to keep it a secret. Trenton & I call her that when it's just us, and it's getting harder and harder to not "slip" in public. I fretted about names for so long, but after we saw her face, I just knew we'd found the perfect name. I can't imagine her being anything else.

I think that's the last few months in a nutshell. Month 6 starts soon, so maybe I'll be able to post a little more frequently from here on out!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Dear Baby...

Dear Baby,

Will you ever know just how much you are wanted? I'm feeling quite sentimental this morning. Reflecting on the long road we have traveled waiting for you to come into our lives. I know we still have several months before we meet, but I wonder if we'll ever be able to show you just how loved and wanted you are? So many prayers have been sent to God for you, so many tears cried, and dreams dreamed. Can you feel that love? Do you already know how badly we long to hold you in our arms? Oh, the dreams I have for you. To be happy and healthy. To be generous and giving. To have a tender heart like your mom and a know no stranger personality like your dad. To know the meaning of hard work and earning what you have. In a little over a week, we will know if you are coming to us as a beautiful little girl or a handsome little boy. Several people have asked us which we'd prefer. I just want you to know right now, that either way, you will be perfect to us. Boy or girl, we don't care, as long as you are ours in a few more months. With 10 little fingers and 10 little toes. Stay snugged in tight and keep growing for now sweet baby and we'll keep praying for you out here!

Dear Baby,

Although I cannot see you,

I still know you are there.

You are warm and snug inside me,

and require gentle care.

Although I cannot hold you,

or give you a hug goodnight.

I feel you move inside me

and know that you are alright.

Although I cannot kiss you,

or show you how I feel.

I know you share my feelings

and that our bond is real. are with me all the time

and always on my mind.

Already I have fallen in love

with my precious gift from up above.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I hear it only gets worse...???

So this whole "pregnancy brain" thing. I always that it was somewhat of a "myth". Until, I forgot to make my husband's truck payment, I went to work with 2 non-matching flip flops, and several other crazy things that have come out of my mouth. For instance, on Saturday, we decided to lay down for a bit and rest. I had already fallen asleep on the couch for a few minutes, so we just moved in to the bed. Trenton was watching the soccer game and I was slipping into nap time. I was only half listening to the announcer on TV and in my defense still kinda in that sleep state. I swear the announcer said, "if this team wants to win, they're really going to need testicle keepers"......

Now what they really said, was " if this team wants to win, they're really going to need to test the goal keeper". I sat up in bed and asked Trenton if I heard what I thought I did. Of course, he bust into hysterical laughter and has been teasing me about "testicle keepers" every since.

They tell me this whole fuzzy brained thinking gets worse? If that's true, I'm not sure what kinda shape I'll be in come December.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

16 week appt

Kinda of a repeat from FB. But I wanted to jot down the info from today's appt for journaling purposes!

We had our June appt today. HB 150. My blood pressure is excellent and I only gained a pound since last month, which I contribute to the heavy pants I have on instead of the capris I wore last month. I will be discontinuing the glucophage that we were taking, but have a dietary consult to follow a diabetic diet. He feels more comfortable taking a natural approach to the insulin issues instead of continuing the meds at this point. He's not labeling me with gestational diabetes, but said I am at a higher risk because of my need for the glucophage prior to getting pregnant. I'll do bi-weekly blood sugar checks and hopefully keep things in check from there. If the diet isn't regulating it enough, we'll turn to insulin shots. In all honesty, it's going to be hard work, but I would much rather be a little stricter about what I'm eating and balancing my diet than I would give myself shots everyday :( boo! I'm grateful though that my cravings so far have been for whole foods & fruits/veggies. Carbs have already been a total turn off for me, so I feel like we've altered our diet already because of that. I'm not at the point where I have to totally go all out hard core, but prevention is the key!

We will go JULY 19th for our gender scan!!!!! I'm so excited! That's only a little under 3 weeks away! I had hoped to wait until my bday on July 27th for the gender scan just because I thought that would make it extra special, but he wants to see us in office that week and wants the u/s done earlier than that. So, aww shucks, we have to find out sooner! I just hate that! I know these next few weeks will drag on because we're looking forward to it so much.

I have moments of panic about actually having a baby and bringing it home. I think I just got to the mindset that I wasn't really sure we would ever actually get to that stage. We were very confident in our decision to start a family, but after having so much trouble, you put the family thought to the back burner and your primary concern becomes just getting to that positive test and making it stick then the rest will come later. I feel like the later might actually happen for us now...and oh boy, is it scary! And exciting. And breath-taking to think that in less than six months, our little family of 2 will be a family of 3 and all those dreams I've dreamed about holding a chubby cheeked little one in my arms, won't just be of holding other people's babies. I've always dreamed of nursery themes and baby names, but having a little person inside that will actually get to have that name, or sleep in that crib, or snuggle in that blanket changes everything. It's so amazing when you realize that your dreams are actually becoming your reality....and you know it's going to change your whole life forever....

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A little late...but still

Trenton & I have been keeping a very big secret until recently. We found out on Easter Sunday that we were expecting. I asked God for a sign that day that things would be ok...15 minutes later, this was in the sky...


So we waited...and waited...and had blood drawn and more blood. And finally at 6W3D we were able to see this...


We had a fabulous u/s tech, who zoomed in for a heartbeat right away and found one beating at a perfect 111. We were measuring at 6W1D- so right on target for the most part. I was so surprised that she let us see the screen right away because usually they do their thing first, but she said as bad as I was shaking she could tell we were very NERVOUS and wanted to put us at ease. I burst into tears at the sound of that beautiful noise and didn't stop crying the whole time!

At this point, we were having none of the problems we had previously had. The u/s looked great and the doctor made an appt for a little over 5 weeks later. May 29th felt like it would NEVER get here. I was so nervous and anxious I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind. In the meantime, between driving my husband crazy over every single little twinge and pull, I started to have morning sickness...and afternoon sickness...and evening sickness. Not horribly bad, but enough where I was definitely ill 3/4 of the time. As the school year was wrapping up, my brain had completely shut down. Laundry and cooking dinner were replaced by 2-3 hour naps and this gal was in bed by 8-9 pm. I had never experienced any of this with the other pregnancies, so we were hoping this was a positive sign. To try and explain the emotions that we went through in those 5 weeks, would be impossible. I have never prayed so hard in my entire life. Mostly, we just prayed for God's will and for us to be at peace no matter the outcome. We wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but at the same time, we were so apprehensive that something would go wrong, we just couldn't say anything.

May 29th finally arrived. I went fairly confident into this u/s. Why I'm not sure, but I just felt like things were going to be ok. And this is what we saw...


A baby...a real life baby with a HB of 157 and 10 fingers and 10 toes and absolutely amazing. He/she was not a fan of the doppler and kept doing flips and what not to get away from the sound the tech said. It was the most astounding sight I've ever seen....

We decided to wait until after Kayla's graduation to make our announcement to my side, which was on Sunday. On Friday night, we told his mom and told his dad on Saturday morning. I broke down and told Jamie and Kayla on Saturday morning over muffins and coffee after a girls' morning at Farmer's Market. Kayla said it was silly for us to wait and to go ahead and share. We still thought we should hold off until after her party Saturday night. After the party was cleaned up, we all went back to mom and David's and we broke the news then. It's kinda just spread by word of mouth and of course, Facebook. We're crazy excited and hope that come December 11th...or close to it, we'll be holding Baby T in our arms!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Happy Anniversary!

I love this pic! They are two of the best parents anyone could ask for! They celebrated 12 years together yesterday. I'm a bad daughter and forgot to wish them Happy Anniversary until they reminded me...but in all fairness, I had remembered, just ask Trenton. I had just forgotten to tell them in the chaos of the funeral.

Thursday, April 22, 2010


I'm sad. I have a lot to be celebrating right now. I really do. Spring is alive all around us and the darkness of winter has passed leaving bright colors, crisp air, and beautiful babies everywhere. But I'm sad because today, I should be celebrating a 1st birthday. One year ago today is the day that our baby from the very first pregnancy should have been born. We have milestones from the other two miscarriages that I remember, but none hit me like this day has the last 2 years. I don't know if it's because we saw a heartbeat with this little one or if it's just that it was the first so I was naive and had already began dreaming of the life this little one would lead. With the 2nd and 3rd, we were so jaded that we didn't even let ourselves be excited or dream. I know we will be celebrating again soon. Believe me, I know! But for today, I'm going to be a little sad.

Also, please keep my Papa John in your prayers. I just got word this morning that my Grandma Maridee passed away in her sleep last night. I say Papa & Grandma, but they are technically my aunt and uncle. Papa John is my dad's brother, but because of the age difference in my parents most of my aunts and uncles are more grandparent age. Papa John just recently found out he has cancer and I'm afraid this will be too much for him to handle. They were such a big part of my childhood and it's hard too accept that one of them is gone and the other one is very ill.They lived over the hill from us and I fondly remember several days & evenings spent at their house. Of 12 children in my dad's family, only 2 aunts and 2 uncles remain. Sometimes, I feel like my link to my dad is slowly dying and fading away. I know I have cousins to help relive memories, but again they are all older and have different memories than I do, because by the time I was born, they were all grown with children of their own.

Sorry to be such a downer today.....on the plus side, it's Earth Day and we're picking up trash today....yippee!!!

Monday, April 12, 2010


This post is for Jenn. Just wanted to show that they don't look like little rats anymore. I think they are quite adorable! I've become quite smitten with the little punks. They're probably the most feisty bunch we've had yet. They've got attitude!

A beautiful picture

I took this pic last weekend but couldn't get it to post. Nothing says spring like a quick rain and a rainbow to follow....absolutely gorgeous!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Spring is Here!

Beautiful! I'm so happy spring is here and our LORD is RISEN!!!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Look what we've got

Look what arrived at our house sometime between last night and this morning! I haven't got to see them yet, but I'm excited to bust outta this place and go snuggle some puppies. There are 3. Apparently, there were 4 but one little guy didn't make it :(


I have had an excruiating headache everyday, all day, for the last 2 weeks straight. It started 2 days before I got the brace off on the right side of my neck and extends up the right side of my head. It's gotten bad enough that at times, I have blurred vision in that right eye. I asked the doctor about it the day I got the brace off and he said it would probably go away. Or not. After no relief, regardless of the medicinal treatment....I made an appt with a reflexologist here in Memphis on a recommendation from Rhonda.

Now, I'm all about a good massage. Sign me up any day. But I was a little leery of the actual benefits of reflexology. Let me tell you, after my hour appt with the wonderful Mennonite lady yesterday...I'm a believer. I don't really care if you tell me the whole pressure point/total body connection is all in my head or not. I went in with a headache, and left without one. I haven't had one since, knock on wood. Now my neck is sore from the deep tissue massage part, but I'll take sore over blinding pain ANY DAY!! First, it was better, like 10 times better, than any massage I've ever had. And second, it was only 25 bucks! Seriously. Walked in a 8:59 and out at 10:06. Spent 5 minutes filling out some paperwork and the rest of the time seriously working out some major muscular issues. I'm going back next Tuesday for a follow-up and may become a regular. It sure beats the prescription headache meds and sleepless nights. I slept like a baby last night!

Thoughts? Feelings? Anyone else ever have it done before? Any one tried the herbal remedies or anything other than tylenol, chiro, etc route...?

Friday, March 5, 2010

Check it out....

So after some Hubs has decided to keep track of his various adventures (farming, hunting, selling seed, etc) at his new blog: While on the farm.

I realize it's probably not most of ya'lls cup of tea, but stop in if you get a chance and give him a warm welcome!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Pure a Mason Jar

So I've been on a quest to make the Burger King Mocha Joe's at home for quite sometime now. I didn't want them to be quite so sweet, but also didn't want the hassle of dragging my blender out every morning. We drink decaf coffee (by we, I mean mostly Trenton and occassionally, myself). We probably only make coffee once a week. I love me a good iced mocha frap though....and guess what I stumbled upon yesterday??? The world's easiest recipe. In a mason jar, nonetheless!

Here's the recipe:

Mocha Frap in a Mason Jar-
Noshings @ Tasty Kitchen

•¾ cups Brewed Strong Coffee, Room Temperature
•¾ cups Milk
•1 package Sweetener, A Single Serve Packet, Your Choice
•2 Tablespoons Chocolate Syrup
•2 Tablespoons Liquid Coffee Creamer, Your Flavor Of Choice
•3 whole Ice Cubes
Preparation Instructions
In a 16 oz. Mason jar, put all your ingredients followed with the ice cubes. Put the lid and ring on and shake, shake, shake!

Taste it. Does it need a little more sweetener?
I don’t like mine horribly sweet, so I stick with one packet of Splenda. The creamer and chocolate syrup add the rest of the sugar to sweeten.

As for the creamer, I used Coffeemate Italian Sweet Cream. It’s nondescript, sweet and creamy and lets the coffee and chocolate shine through.
But, if you like hazelnut or coconut cream, go for it!

At this point, you can drink it right out of the jar or pour it over crushed ice and top with whipped cream and drizzle more chocolate for an authentic coffee house experience.


Here's what I changed: I did not add sweetner. I thought the chocolate syrup would be enough. It was for me. I did add a little extra syrup. I add a few more ice cubes because I wasn't going to be able to pour it over crushed ice. I used Coffee-Mate Peppermint Mocha for my liquid creamer. Shake, rattle, and you're ready to drink. I took the lid off, stuck in a straw, and managed to not spill a drop on the way to work! Delicious! Next time, I'm going to purposefully make my coffee a little stronger. I just used what was leftover from yesterday.

Hope someone out there loves this cheap version as much as I did!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Getting the Happy Back

I went to the women's conference at LCC on Saturday. I originally thought I wanted to go, but then wavered. Janice emailed me and asked if I would take pictures. I agreed, but then came down with this stupid cold. Amee, Sarah, & Mandie decided to go shopping and I really wanted to go. I was a bit resentful that I was committed to the Women's conference. I woke up Saturday morning with a fever, sore throat, and stuffy nose. I almost cancelled. But then, I started feeling ok, and figured I better go and not back out on picture taking....and let me tell you........


I'll have to explain more in another post. But seriously, it was a blessing and I definitely know it was God's handiwork that led me there that day even though I was hesitant. I was exactly where I needed to be, hearing exactly what I needed to be hearing.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Reluctant Journey

I was reading an infertility blog a bit ago and she was talking about how infertility had become her way of ministering to others. Which is what I feel I've been called to do. But then she said something that struck something deep inside. She said, " I do not want that to be my ministry." Exactly. I'm just being real. It's selfish, I know. But I don't want to be on this journey. For a moment, I thought I don't want the experiences I have had on this journey. The pain, physical and mental. The anxiety that comes with a positive test now. The heartache I see each month in my husband's eyes. The bitterness that sometimes creeps in. I just want a baby. I'm saddened by my husband's fading faith. I wish God didn't trust us so much. I wish He didn't feel like we were a couple who could handle this. But then, I thought. How would I have been able to feel the compassion I feel for someone who is struggling through the same thing without walking in their shoes? Would I rather this was happening to a friend than to me? Of course not. Would I really want to trade the way my faith has grown on this journey? Would I trade the way I can see inside my husband's heart through his eyes because I've seen the joy, pain, heartache, frustration, anger there over the past 2 1/2 years. Not on your life. I guess the best way to end this is just to ask that you all pray for us as we're on this reluctant journey. Pray for our hearts, our bodies, our minds, and help us to see what God has planned in the bigger picture for us and pray that someday we'll get that take home baby we so very much dream of.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Where is the sun?

Seriously, could it be any colder? Don't answer that, I don't even want to know. Where is the sun? I need the snow to be melted b/c I'm tired of worrying about slipping and falling. I'm tired of my stupid socks getting wet walking in to the car. It annoys me to no end to have the bottoms of my pants legs wet from snow. Could I wear snow boots, yes, but I'm over that. I'm ready for flip flops and capris.

In other news, we (I) go back to the doctor on the 25th for a follow-up and will hopefully be removing this dreadful brace then. At the last appt, everything appeared to be healing fine. I was still having pain, numbness, heaviness in my left arm, but that too, has markedly improved since last week. Hopefully, in two weeks time the only thing I'll have left to heal is the lovely scar on my head! I'm ready to be back to normal. Back to driving, for sure. It stinks to have a brand new vehicle and have to either watch it sit in the drive or always be the passenger. CAN'T WAIT to drive that thing!!

I'm excited for Valentine's day. We bought tickets to the Whitetail's Banquet on the 13th so we will be celebrating a day early by attending that. On Sunday, I will be cooking at home, which has been our tradition for the past 5 years. I'm not sure what I will make yet. Last year, it was prime rib. The year before was seafood fettucine. Hmmm.....suggestions?? We're going to wait to go out and celebrate on the 25th on the way home from Columbia. We received an very generous Christmas gift of a GC to the Pear Tree. We've been dying to use it, but I refused to go with this dumb brace on because I don't have 1/2 the appetite as usual b/c I spend so much time fighting the brace. HA! I want to be in prime condition for the Pear Tree. Plus, after 8 weeks in the stinkin' thing, I think I've earned a celebration dinner for surviving! LOL! :) We're planning a weekend getaway in March for 2. Not so much for Valentine's Day, but I want to take my hubs somewhere to show him how much I appreciate EVERYTHING he's done for me since the accident. That man has showered me, dressed me, lifted, tugged, cooked, cleaned, chaffeured, among many, many other things. So in appreciation of that, we will be spending the weekend exploring the John Deere Pavillon/Commons in Moline, IL. It's a place we've talked about going a 100 times and I know he is dying to go. So, please spring, could you hurry so we can enjoy a nice sunny weekend away soon???

Thursday, January 21, 2010

What do you do with???

Two post in two! So question for those of you reading...what do you do with the Christmas card pictures that you get from people? Most "cards" I just toss (ok, actually, I stack them up and move them around for a few months b/c I have packrat issues before I finally get fed up and throw them away). But obviously, I don't want to throw away these pictures. What creative things do you do with them? Do I get an album? Last year...I adorned the frig with them, but that just doesn't work for me b/c they kept falling down, they rolled up from the heat vent, etc. So I need ideas???

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

What's in a name??

So, I'm hoping to make a comeback from my recent blogger hiatus. I mean I do have a lot of time on my hands as of late...

I'm on the road to recovery. For those of you (all 2 readers that I might still have) that don't know, I was in a rollover accident on December 30th outside of Glenwood. My sister, Kayla, was with me. I was driving, road was slick, brakes locked up. I failed stunt driving 101, which resulted in a totaled Trailblazer and a very intense ambulance ride for Kate and I to the local hospital. I was transferred to University of Missouri by ambulance. End result: Kayla with 3 stitches in her hand, and me on a backboard for 9 awesome hours. 2 days later I left the hospital in a love/hate relationship with a back/neck brace b/c I have a compression fracture at the T3 vertebrae and a fracture of the C6 vertebrae. As of now, the brace is an adornment until the end of February.

Since my release, I've been catching up on Regis & Kelly, Ellen, & The View. Not too mention, all of the ABC Soaps. Which might sound super appealing, but it's getting a little old, real quick. I'm off work until we get some more concrete answers on the healing process and the recovery. Trenton finally went back to work today. He's been such a blessing to me these past 3 weeks. I know it hasn't been easy on him to have to wait on me hand and foot. But I'm grateful that he loves me and I have him in my life. We've been abundantly blessed by an outpouring of love from our family, friends, and neighbors. I haven't had to cook once since coming home due to a fully stocked freezer of delicious meals. Andrea & Jenn graciously came out and did laundry, dishes, and a little cleaning to make my arrival back home that much easier. What a joy to be surrounded by so many wonderful people!

I'm not gonna lie...there was a brief time right after the accident that I was scared to death. I knew we were both going to be ok. Looking at the vehicle, we came out VERY lucky. But there is just something about seeing your baby sister, hurting and covered in blood, that makes your heart stop, knowing it was at your hands. But we both obviously had someone looking out for us.

So as I was laying awake not sleeping last night...I was thinking about my poor abandoned blog. Can I just be real for a minute? It's hard to write on a blog named Lucky Like Us, when I've been feeling, well... not so lucky.I really do think that Trenton & I have had our share of bad luck. I mean seriously, 2009, or 2008 now that I think about it, just haven't been our years. In the course of that time, we've been through 3 miscarriages, this accident, an impromptu emergency surgery, need I go on? So in the dark of night, I pondered changing the name. I considered the following:

1. UNlucky Like Us
2. Crappy Things that Happen to Mostly Good People
3. What Happens When You Get On Karma's Bad Side
4. Easy (insert disclaimer about easy) Ways to Meet Your Insurance Deductible
5. TV Reviews from the Housebound Girl with One Channel...

While these were my top 5, I just kept coming back to why I named the blog this way originally. Mostly it was because I was a newlywed with stars in my eyes and thought that life was just going to fall into place. While I was wrong, I also stole the name from the lyrics of one of the songs we had played at the wedding.

Here's the song....

Some People

Isn't it a gamble
Layin' your heart out on the floor
Nothin' short of a miracle
When you find the one you're looking for
It's another kind of trouble trying to hang on to who you are
When all you wanna do is lose yourself in someone else's arms
Isn't it a wonder (that) we got this far

Some people aren't lucky like us
Some people they just give up
When the hard times fall
The thrill of it all is gone
Leaves you in a cloud of dust
It's sad to think that some won't find it
And others won't recognize it even when it comes
We're all at the mercy of the will of love
Some people yeah
Some people aren't lucky like us

Two lonely souls that just stumbled into fate
Look how much we've been given babe
In spite of all of our mistakes
And I will never forget I've been blessed with the gift of lovin' you
And when the going aint easy babe
A little faith will pull us through
Thank God we have each other we can hang onto

To have someone you can laugh with
Someone you can cry with
Tell all your secrets to
To have someone who won't judge you
Someone who just loves you
No matter what, they stand beside you

Some people aren't lucky like us
Some people they just give up
When the hard times fall
The thrill of it all is gone
Leaves you in a cloud of dust
It's sad to think that some won't find it
And others won't recognize it even when it comes
We're all at the mercy of the will of love
Some people yeah
Some people aren't lucky like us

So, upon further reflection, while I still like option #2, I think I'll keep the name for now. While we've definitely had our fair share of, let's be honest, crap. We've also been extremely blessed. We were presented to move to the country, to an amazing house, Trenton found a job that has given him the freedom to be home with me during Christmas and now after the accident without the worry about jeopardizing his job. I've been blessed with amazing co-workers who have picked up the slack for me in my absences even though they have full plates of their own. I have wonderful bosses who are more worried about my health than the work that is stacking up on my desk. Although, the accident was bad, we both walked away without serious life threatening or life altering injuries. We'll heal and still have full lives to live. And although, we've lost several beautiful children in the past year and a half, we've also gained a beautiful neice and nephew, who are growing into fascinating little people right before our eyes. I have an amazing husband. I never in my life dreamed that the love I felt for him in those first few months could and would multiply a million time over in the years that have followed. He's strong, brave, caring, and much more. And he's been standing by my side throught it's that for lucky?

On the TTC homefront ("trying")...obviously, we're on a bit of an indefinite break right now. While there are a multitude of emotions I've been through coming to terms with that, ranging from bitterness and anger to just sadness, I'm relatively at peace with it for now. I'll be honest, it's increasingly harder to see others starting their families and expanding their families while we're still stuck in the time warp of being childless. But we still believe it will happen for us. We're trying to stay positive, which is hard. I've made a decision to try to open up a little bit more here on the blog about what we're going through and where we're at in the process. There are a couple of reasons for this. #1 being that you never know who will stumble upon your blog on any given day. I've searched and read a number of blogs of people who are dealing/have dealt with infertility. They've been extremely helpful and comforting, giving me hope to carry on. In the off chance, that maybe one person might just read my words and feel some small chance of hope in the dark world of infertility, I think I can be real and honest about our struggle. #2 reason- I feel like we've been so secretive about what's going on with our journey, that people have started to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around us and I don't want that. I don't want anyone to feel like they can't share their joy with us about their pregnancies and children. Sometimes, it hurts. Most times, we cry. But we also share in your happiness. Children are a blessing, no matter what. And someday, we'll fully understand what it's like to be a part of that lifelong joy.

So.....while I'd love to entertain you more with my rambling and random thoughts...I'm tired and my butt is numb. And I promised my husband I'd do some laundry while he was gone today. So far, mission unaccomplished.