I was reading an infertility blog a bit ago and she was talking about how infertility had become her way of ministering to others. Which is what I feel I've been called to do. But then she said something that struck something deep inside. She said, " I do not want that to be my ministry." Exactly. I'm just being real. It's selfish, I know. But I don't want to be on this journey. For a moment, I thought I don't want the experiences I have had on this journey. The pain, physical and mental. The anxiety that comes with a positive test now. The heartache I see each month in my husband's eyes. The bitterness that sometimes creeps in. I just want a baby. I'm saddened by my husband's fading faith. I wish God didn't trust us so much. I wish He didn't feel like we were a couple who could handle this. But then, I thought. How would I have been able to feel the compassion I feel for someone who is struggling through the same thing without walking in their shoes? Would I rather this was happening to a friend than to me? Of course not. Would I really want to trade the way my faith has grown on this journey? Would I trade the way I can see inside my husband's heart through his eyes because I've seen the joy, pain, heartache, frustration, anger there over the past 2 1/2 years. Not on your life. I guess the best way to end this is just to ask that you all pray for us as we're on this reluctant journey. Pray for our hearts, our bodies, our minds, and help us to see what God has planned in the bigger picture for us and pray that someday we'll get that take home baby we so very much dream of.
Seriously, could it be any colder? Don't answer that, I don't even want to know. Where is the sun? I need the snow to be melted b/c I'm tired of worrying about slipping and falling. I'm tired of my stupid socks getting wet walking in to the car. It annoys me to no end to have the bottoms of my pants legs wet from snow. Could I wear snow boots, yes, but I'm over that. I'm ready for flip flops and capris.
In other news, we (I) go back to the doctor on the 25th for a follow-up and will hopefully be removing this dreadful brace then. At the last appt, everything appeared to be healing fine. I was still having pain, numbness, heaviness in my left arm, but that too, has markedly improved since last week. Hopefully, in two weeks time the only thing I'll have left to heal is the lovely scar on my head! I'm ready to be back to normal. Back to driving, for sure. It stinks to have a brand new vehicle and have to either watch it sit in the drive or always be the passenger. CAN'T WAIT to drive that thing!!
I'm excited for Valentine's day. We bought tickets to the Whitetail's Banquet on the 13th so we will be celebrating a day early by attending that. On Sunday, I will be cooking at home, which has been our tradition for the past 5 years. I'm not sure what I will make yet. Last year, it was prime rib. The year before was seafood fettucine. Hmmm.....suggestions?? We're going to wait to go out and celebrate on the 25th on the way home from Columbia. We received an very generous Christmas gift of a GC to the Pear Tree. We've been dying to use it, but I refused to go with this dumb brace on because I don't have 1/2 the appetite as usual b/c I spend so much time fighting the brace. HA! I want to be in prime condition for the Pear Tree. Plus, after 8 weeks in the stinkin' thing, I think I've earned a celebration dinner for surviving! LOL! :) We're planning a weekend getaway in March for 2. Not so much for Valentine's Day, but I want to take my hubs somewhere to show him how much I appreciate EVERYTHING he's done for me since the accident. That man has showered me, dressed me, lifted, tugged, cooked, cleaned, chaffeured, among many, many other things. So in appreciation of that, we will be spending the weekend exploring the John Deere Pavillon/Commons in Moline, IL. It's a place we've talked about going a 100 times and I know he is dying to go. So, please spring, could you hurry so we can enjoy a nice sunny weekend away soon???
I have a wonderful and loving husband, Trenton, who is the love of my life. We were married in November 2007. I love spending time with family and friends. We are very blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives. I am the director of Special Education. I really enjoy my job. We are currently expecting our first child, a baby girl, after struggling to start a family after 3 recurrent losses in the past year. We're just trying to give it all to God and enjoy where we are in life at the time.