Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Reluctant Journey

I was reading an infertility blog a bit ago and she was talking about how infertility had become her way of ministering to others. Which is what I feel I've been called to do. But then she said something that struck something deep inside. She said, " I do not want that to be my ministry." Exactly. I'm just being real. It's selfish, I know. But I don't want to be on this journey. For a moment, I thought I don't want the experiences I have had on this journey. The pain, physical and mental. The anxiety that comes with a positive test now. The heartache I see each month in my husband's eyes. The bitterness that sometimes creeps in. I just want a baby. I'm saddened by my husband's fading faith. I wish God didn't trust us so much. I wish He didn't feel like we were a couple who could handle this. But then, I thought. How would I have been able to feel the compassion I feel for someone who is struggling through the same thing without walking in their shoes? Would I rather this was happening to a friend than to me? Of course not. Would I really want to trade the way my faith has grown on this journey? Would I trade the way I can see inside my husband's heart through his eyes because I've seen the joy, pain, heartache, frustration, anger there over the past 2 1/2 years. Not on your life. I guess the best way to end this is just to ask that you all pray for us as we're on this reluctant journey. Pray for our hearts, our bodies, our minds, and help us to see what God has planned in the bigger picture for us and pray that someday we'll get that take home baby we so very much dream of.


Andrea Frederick said...

i CAN. NOT. imagine being on this journey. I totally understand not wanting to be on it. Everyone of us has difficult issues, but your's is so apparant...I'm sure people are constantly wondering when that sweet 'Tallman' couple is going to start a family. What a hard question to answer. I pray someday that you will have a gruesome labor/delivery story to tell...and that it won't involve a runway with bushes on both sides!!!

Bree Shaw said...

i am with andrea, i can not even imagine. it makes me tear up just reading about your journey. i will keep praying for you guys and pray that someday you will understand God's will and what He had planned for you. keep your faith!

Diane Melvin said...

I am tearing up after reading your blog today. You are a strong, beautiful, faithful woman. I don't think I could be as strong as you and Trenton have been. I do pray that someday you will have the family that you've always dreamed of. You two deserve it!! Love you both.

Shonya said...

Erin, my heart goes out to you. I can relate to not wanting this journey; not wanting this 'ministry'. If you ever feel like reading a book, I have one that came to mind as I read your post. It is very God-centered. It is written by a man who struggled through infertility with his wife.

Here is a paragraph that I thought might encourage you:
"Infertility isn't hopeless, but it is dangerous. If you're grappling with a so-far unanswered plea for children, let me stop and warn you about something. Remember that your life is being lived out in a world that's more than what you can see. You bear the image of God, you resemble Jesus, and so you are a target for demonic principalities and powers who SEEK TO TURN YOUR AFFECTIONS FROM YOUR LORD. (emphasis mine) Every one of us has weak points sized up by these rebel forces, and your struggle with fertility is no exception." (pg 93)

I'm praying for you today, Erin, and for your hubby.

Jamie said...

My dear sweet Erin, I almost feel guilty writing to you on this subject. While Michael and I can sympathize with the pain of losing a child, we can't even begin to understand the pain of multiple loses. My guilt comes from the fact that we've now been successful in getting pregnant. I wish there was something that I could do to help encourage you on this journey. I'm afraid that I really have no room to even talk to you on this but I guess all I can say is that I continue to pray that God will bless you and Trent with a lovely little munchkin! Please let me know if there is EVER anything that Michael or I can do.

Erin said...

Oh Jamie...never feel guilty. Like I said, I don't really WANT to be on this journey, but we are, and it's hard not to question it, but who am I to question Him? Sometimes I forget that! I would never wish this on anyone, certainly not you or Micheal! I'm happy you guys have been blessed with Cole and can't wait to meet him!!! You have been an amazing friend the last 9 (yikes!) years and I feel so very lucky to have friends like you!

Corin said...

I can't imagine what you are going through. I think it would be belittling to you to even try. My heart goes out to you. I admire your faith and strength. I'll pray that you are nearing the end of this particular journey and about to embark on a new one.
I'm sure it's little consolation but sometimes the best things happen on journeys you didn't want to take.