I was reading an infertility blog a bit ago and she was talking about how infertility had become her way of ministering to others. Which is what I feel I've been called to do. But then she said something that struck something deep inside. She said, " I do not want that to be my ministry." Exactly. I'm just being real. It's selfish, I know. But I don't want to be on this journey. For a moment, I thought I don't want the experiences I have had on this journey. The pain, physical and mental. The anxiety that comes with a positive test now. The heartache I see each month in my husband's eyes. The bitterness that sometimes creeps in. I just want a baby. I'm saddened by my husband's fading faith. I wish God didn't trust us so much. I wish He didn't feel like we were a couple who could handle this. But then, I thought. How would I have been able to feel the compassion I feel for someone who is struggling through the same thing without walking in their shoes? Would I rather this was happening to a friend than to me? Of course not. Would I really want to trade the way my faith has grown on this journey? Would I trade the way I can see inside my husband's heart through his eyes because I've seen the joy, pain, heartache, frustration, anger there over the past 2 1/2 years. Not on your life. I guess the best way to end this is just to ask that you all pray for us as we're on this reluctant journey. Pray for our hearts, our bodies, our minds, and help us to see what God has planned in the bigger picture for us and pray that someday we'll get that take home baby we so very much dream of.
I have a wonderful and loving husband, Trenton, who is the love of my life. We were married in November 2007. I love spending time with family and friends. We are very blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives. I am the director of Special Education. I really enjoy my job. We are currently expecting our first child, a baby girl, after struggling to start a family after 3 recurrent losses in the past year. We're just trying to give it all to God and enjoy where we are in life at the time.